Hello to all of my favorite readers! It’s Mod Zan, and I’m here to bring to you a long article of personal opinions that are basically fact.
Today, we’re going to talk about my favorite fighting game: Mortal Kombat. I’m bringing you all the top five best and worst of the game’s playable characters based on their actual character content and most importantly, their hotness. This will be measured on the “WOULD I?” Scale, which is out of 10 and reveals how little self respect I have.
WITHOUT ANY FURTHER ADO, I GIVE YOU THIS WEEK’S TOP FIVE!
#5 Best: D’Vorah
Okay, hear me out. D’Vorah is GROSS. So, so gross. She’s not really even a person, but a hivemind that’s essentially made up of a series of grubs, maggots, and wasps that inhabit a shell of a person that refers to itself as “this one.” She’s fun as hell to play as, especially if you’re going for that painful uppercut and you get to see one of her spindly bug-legs wreck the jaw of your opponent. Her fatalities are relatively satisfying, and her dialogue with other characters is pretty interesting! Though her motivations are a bit unexplainable and her playstyle a little complex, I think D’Vorah is one of the most interesting characters in the universe, especially in the new games.
Nah. Nope. No way. That’s a world of pain just waiting to shred me, and I think I’d have better luck looking for love in a garbage dump or graveyard. 1/10.
#5 Worst: Kano
Kano is definitely not the worst character in the entire MK universe. But honestly, he’s a cookie-cutter version of every mercenary archetype that’s ever existed in video games and movies. He’s Indiana Jones’ dick brother, and all of his voice lines paint him as a snarky, self-important merc with a probably inferiority complex. His playstyle is decent, and he can be a hell of an opponent when the player knows what they’re doing (unlike me.) Unfortunately, his satisfying finishers and cool Kombat moves aren’t enough to make up for the gross vibes that I always get from him throughout the game regardless of what character I’m fighting him with. He’s like a weird uncle that no one talks to, but that you have to be nice to every 2 years at your mom’s family reunion, where he just sits in the corner cleaning knives and leering at you.
I mean….there are worse things. He’s getting old, which means he’s experienced, but he doesn’t exactly seem like the kind of romantic that most people are looking for. Def seems like the kind of guy to hit-and-run. 5/10.
#4 Best: Bo Rai Cho
Bo Rai Cho is nothing short of amazing. He’s a great play on the slobby teacher archetype, and his role is performed excellently throughout the series. He’s great for comic relief, especially when the game seems like it’s about to start taking itself just a bit too seriously for its own good. One of the things that I love about Mortal Kombat is the ridiculousness that pervades the universe, and Bo Rai Cho encompassses that better than any other character in the game (besides some of the DLC horror characters). Additionally, his playstyle is surprisingly fun, and he can hit you harder than you’d ever expect from an old drunk.
Probably not if I could avoid it, but Bo Rai Cho is the master of hidden skill. You never know what you’re getting into, and I feel like it would either be the best or the worst experience of your life. 6/10.
#4 Worst: Tremor
It seems unfair to format the article in the way so that I talk about Tremor before I talk about Sub-Zero and/or Scorpion, but here we are. Tremor is honestly just an earth version of what Sub-Zero and Scorpion are for the series. We have a great, edgy rivalry between fire and ice and we don’t need to throw earth in there, even if some of his more crystalline skins look really, really cool. He’s less interesting than either of the aforementioned characters because he doesn’t have the kind of history that they have together. He seems kind of like the unwanted stepchild in the group. It’s a little tragic, but even more boring.
Ehhh. Too much gravel. Too loud. Too basic. In the immortal words of almost every person confronted with the possibility of romance with a rock-man: “I would prefer not to.” 4/10.
#3 Best: Scorpion/Sub-Zero
Yeah, I grouped them together. Scorpion and Sub-Zero are basically each other’s soul mates. You can’t have one without the other, and their models are similar enough for them to be twins. This hasn’t changed over the years of Mortal Kombat, but their rivalry, powers, and voice lines are an amazing combination. They’re basically the backbone of the series, and it wouldn’t be a stretch to say that it wouldn’t exist without them. Though I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t have a preference for Sub-Zero due to ice powers and slight differences in personality. My respect for Scorpion as a character and in Kombat is through the roof, even if they’re both dipping their feet into edgelord territory.
Since this is an honesty article and I would never lie to any of my readers, the answer is a definitive yes. To both. My only worry is that they already are basically the embodiment of an enemies-to-lovers fic, and if they aren’t going for a third in their circle things could get messy. 7/10.
#3 Worst: Sindel
Sindel is pretty much a big question mark for me. The only questions I have about her character design and content is WHY? Why the weird hair thing? Why does she scream? Why is her outfit so, so, awful? Even worse than most of the female outfits in the game? Why did anyone think that making her was a good idea? There is nothing interesting about her in appearance, personality, or powers and that isn’t good. Especially when she pales in comparison to even some of the most basic members of the cast.
Nah. She’d bust your eardrums in an argument and I don’t even want to know how the weird hair thing works in her everyday life. Plus, she’s clearly a mean older lady stereotype, and even if there’s something more to her then that I definitely don’t want to know what it is. 3/10.
#2 Best: Mileena
You had to know that Mileena would be on this list. I think that she is arguably one of the most loved characters in the entire franchise. She’s scary, she’s hot, and she’s got a badass fighting style. Though in MKX she wasn’t quite in the same fighting tier as she was in IX, (And I missed the needle-teeth), her character has remained one of the more complex and interesting. She’s a copy of a princess, who feels rightfully slighted, and craves power to stave off the feelings of rejection (she never got over after being cast into a pit). That’s pretty badass without even mentioning the monster mouth she has going on, completing her femme fatale vibe. Now don’t get me wrong: Her outfits (and basically every female character in the game) have a lot to be desired from a feminist perspective. In MKX, the game really took steps to make their character models look more like real people, and gave them semi-realistic outfits compared to fighting in thongs and bikini tops in previous games. Mileena was where I saw that change the most, and that only makes me love her more.
It would probably kill me. Mileena doesn’t care about anyone’s feelings. She’s definitely chaotic evil. There’s basically no benefits to engaging with her in any sense of the word.
And I totally would. 10/10.
#2 Worst: Shinnok
I had a hard time picking which basic evil magician should occupy the 2nd worst spot in my list, but Shinnok really takes the cake. He is the epitome of an evil wizard out to take over the world, with no other motivation, but power and silly-looking skeleton hands to compliment his unflattering and over-the-top look. Shinnok is boring at best and horrendously irritating at worst; from cheap moves to grating voice lines. There is nothing interesting about him, and he’s bad in the way that makes you want to turn off your game and sell it back to Gamestop for an eighth of what you paid.
No way. There isn’t even any kind of thrill or adventure to help his romantic case like there is with Mileena and even Kano. He’s just a boring, gross old dude who is likely a selfish lover and would spend all your time together bragging about himself. 0/10.
#1 Best: Cassie Cage
Oh man. I could write an entire article about Cassie Cage.
Actually, I will write an entire article about Cassie Cage. If you love her as much as I do, look for it at a later date in our Character Spotlight segment!
To get back on track: Cassie Cage is a certified badass. I wasn’t sure how I felt about the game adding the descendents of the original characters into MKX at first, but it was Cassie (And Jaqui, to be honest) who persuaded me completely that it was a fantastic idea. Cassie has the attitude of her mom with her dad’s smart-ass remarks, and even though her parents both fall into a relatively basic character category, she’s in a league of her own. She’s portrayed as what some might think is a Millennial stereotype, but her fighting moves, style, and fatalities are a hilarious subversion of the valley-girl that she might have been pigeonholed into; had the writing been worse for her character. She’s funny and serious in all the right places, and her design matches the personality that she’s brought into the MK universe.
Who the hell wouldn’t? 11/10.
#1 Worst: Ermac
I don’t think that this article can finish out without mentioning the horror that is Ermac. A gathering of souls into a semi-solid form, eternally tormented with nothingness and plaguing the heroes of MK with dirty old band-aids and swarms of souls that look suspiciously similar to cockroaches. Maybe because he’s only a gathering of souls he lacks personality; but his completely empty character is only worsened by his play style and design. They went for a mummy for reasons I can’t comprehend, and didn’t try in the slightest with his alternate skin. His finishers are incredibly irritating and sometimes impossible to pull off, and he has moves that are possibly as cheap as MK9’s Noob Cybot (without a hilarious name to make up for it).
Hell no. Too many voices yelling at once, old-people smell, and all kinds of filth. If I wanted to romance a pile of used band-aids I’d dig some out of a hospital dumpster and make myself an interesting dummy out of it. 1/10.
And with that, I think that about says everything that I could have wanted to about the delight of Mortal Kombat and its cast, good and bad. I hope you enjoyed my sharing of opinions as facts, and if you have your own top 5 best and worst characters you should comment them below! Keep an eye out for more articles like this, and remember to like our pages if you want to see more content from Nasty Woman Gaming.